Dad. Can I ask you something...?

A few weeks before I took off to Singapore, my dad and I went for a walk down to Edgemont Village to grab a coffee at our favourite spot, Delaney`s Coffee House. I of course had a steamed milk with extra vanila because I refuse to consume coffee. I like to think it`s some act of defiance against my becoming an adult.

I`ve done this walk to the village with my dad dozens of times as I was growing up, but this time was different. The months leading up to the walk, I had this feeling like we were becoming closer than we had been in a long time. Its one of those beautiful things about a father-son relationship to watch the shift in the relationship become less parental-focused to one that feels like a good friend and mentor.

I realized quite a while ago that I was similar to my father in more ways then I would have liked to admit. I could see myself becoming him, but I was focusing on the qualities that frustrated me, rather then the many qualities that he possed that makes him the great man that he is. For whatever reason, I recently felt myself beginning to appreciate his efforts to be a part of my life as I knew there was so much that I could learn about the man that I am bound to become from who he is and was.

After the more standard conversation segments we found ourselves settling in at Delaney´s. I started asking him about how his relationship was with my mom. This was triggered by a moving speech given by an older couple that I witnessed while attending UBC convocation a few weeks back. The couple spoke at length about finding creative ways at the different points in their lives to grow in their love. My dad dove into the question with an honesty I don´t in most people. I´m not sure if it was the months of us startring to feel closer to each other, or it was just one of those off the cuff situations, or if he´d been waiting to answer all along and all I needed to do was ask.

The conversation continued. I began asking him all kinds of obscure questions about his life. I knew a good chunk of his story, which I will not share on here...after all, it´s his story, but he filled in all the parts that matter. The important details about how it impacted his life. He talked about the different stages: growing up, his youth, traveling the world, marriage, kids, career. As he went on, he let me interject with more in depth questions about why he was making decisions, what he was feeling. I got the full story with very limited edits and the information was invigorating. It really let me see him in a raw state that was refreshing and shed a lot of light on who he his, who I am and who I´m ultimately going to become. I´m not suggesting that I´m pre-determined to become my father, but the similarities in our strengths and weaknesses give me enough to trust that our paths are going to me similar. Different...but similar.

I´ve been away (with the exception of Christmas) for 6 months, and I am able to reflect on this conversation very fondly. It feels like the perfect way to have left our relationship and only gets me excited for where we will be able to take it upon my return.

Now to you – the person who was interested enough in this story to make it this far.

Have you asked your father or mother for their story?

I mean the whole thing. The funny bits, the sad bits. Their shinning moments and low points that taught them about their place in the world. If you have yet to have a conversation, or series of conversations like this, I encourage you to take a chance and ask. Maybe your relationship isn´t that close, and asking those types of questions will seem forced and uncomfortable. No excuse. Take the time to build your relationship to a point where it´s less uncomfortable. When you get beyond this conversation, you will see how it will change how you see them and undoubtebly how they see you.

If its not to much to ask – I´d like you to post a comment and let me (and others) know how it went when you summon the courage to ask your parents for their story. If not – send me an email or shoot a message to my facebook inbox. I think its a fascinating opportunity that can significantly improve how you understand your parents and oddly enough... yourself.

How much time do you have left to connect with them?
Reallly. How much?

All the best and lots of love from Brazil.

- Conor

PS – Mom. I´m excited to get the whole story from you when I get back.

Hope for LDRs

I feel guilty everytime I sit down to write here. Everytime I write I promise myself (and you) that I will be better (more consistent) about blogging and sharing my experiences. Yet everytime months go by until I find the need to log on and share.

For those of you that are interested in the my stories from South East Asia, you need not worry, as I will be compiling them and posting them in time. There were times where I wanted to share stories, experiences etc, but was worried that they wouldn´t fit into the time sequence and that it would get all disorganized. Then I would constantly put off sharing. I´ve finally realized that I should be less worried about how organized everything is and more focused on the content. When it´s there, I´ll share...and when it´s not, you´ll wait.

Due to my aformentioned constant avoiding there´s a small bank of thoughts and stories that I could share, and since my time is limited in that I need to catch a bus soon, I´ll try and keep it focused (or at least as focused as I tend to keep things...which usually isn´t very focused I´ve been told).

I´ve often been very skeptical of LDRs (Long Distance Relationships). Maybe its because they never work in movies, or maybe its because I rarely hear many success stories. Either way, they always seem to be a sticky subject because no matter how many times they arise, people find that their situation has variables that are unique and warrant evaluation.

Prior to my departure to Singapore, I ended a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend, Lindsey. The end of the relationship had been planned out for a while. Reading that sentence again sounds weird, but that´s how it was. Lindsey and I started to get serious around the same time that me running around the world for 13 months also became serious. As the opportunities (travel and the relationship) became a reality, I didn´t really see how I´d be able to succeed at one, while doing the other. As the months went by we seemed to be on the same page in that we shouldn´t cut our relationship short even though we knew there was an end date. We really enjoyed spending time with each other and figured that we should make the most of it while we were in the same continent.

I was able to consult my best friend, Spenser for some much needed advice on the situation of whether we should stay together or not. After building a decent inventory of reasons as to why the relationship wouldn´t work, it only seemed to make sense to go ahead with the break up as planned. And we did.

Flash forward 5.5 months and you´ll find me, the happiest man alive because I´m lucky to be in a relationship with someone who is perfect for me: Lindsey. Sure, you could say that I´m happy because I´ve spent the last couple weeks traveling Argentina, or that when I look at the calendar, I still have another 3.2 months left of traveling in South America. But a large part of why I´m so happy is that about 5 weeks after I left for Singapore, Lindsey had the balls (and I guess in her case ovaries) to say that I was wrong and do something about it.

But how could I be wrong? They´re my feelings, not hers! She doesn´t know me better then I do! I had a list of reasons why a LDR wouldn´t work. I had my own experience from when I left highschool and had what I thought at the time was a long distance relationship (North Vancouver to Point Grey) and knew that I needed more than that. I didn´t want to miss out on all that the world had waiting for me and be stuck in my room on skype. I didn´t want to miss out on potential love interests around the world. I didn´t want to be in a relationship that wasn´t able to grow because we were able to share new experiences together.

The problem with all my reasons was that they were all about me, and I never took the time to appreciate what her position was on the situation. Isn´t that what a relationship is about? Looking at both sides and doing what´s best for both of us. It turns out that she never really felt like we had broken up, and it was only until I sent her a message saying "no" to her request to get back together did she feel like it was over. She demanded more justification for why I said "no" and when I went to my trusted inventory of reasons they all fell apart because I realized that none of them were worth as much as having her in my life.

We set rules, commitments and a grounding of honesty to make sure that if we were going to try and make this LDR work, we were going to give it everything he had. After the drama and the confusion of figuring out if it was going to work out, it turned out to be easy (or at least as easy has a relationship through internet video can be). We made it to Christmas where we were able to spend 6 days together with my family and our friends and we´re apart again... for now.

As University comes to a close, or we set out on new career paths this situation could be something that you might face. Its not something that anyone wants to face but there are some truths that I have learned from the situation.

LDRs CAN work. You have to realize they will definetly different and that both of you must adjust your expectations, but they can work.

LDRs catalyze you to really think about how the relationship impacts your life. Many people are not able to work through a LDR because in reality their relationship was faltering before one of them left and the distance only highlighted the problems.

LDRs are not for everyone. I´m not saying that his situation is fun. It´s a matter of coping with a reality. Lindsey and I will do whatever we can (everything!) to avoid a similar stiuation in the future. It´s not fair to either of us.



If you have someone you love in your life, whether it s a boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, mother, best friend... make sure you make the most of all the time you spend with them. Play a game. Pretent like one of you is going away for a year and next week all is the last week you have with them. How will you change how you act? Would you take them to that fancy restaurant you´ve always wanted to. Would you make sure you stayed awake so that you could watch them fall asleep? Would you pay extra attention to the little details of why you love them, knowing that you´ll be missing it soon?

Lindsey and I had 6 days together to make a reltionship last for 8 months. What would you do with 6 days?

Take care,

Love,

Conor