A few weeks before I took off to Singapore, my dad and I went for a walk down to Edgemont Village to grab a coffee at our favourite spot, Delaney`s Coffee House. I of course had a steamed milk with extra vanila because I refuse to consume coffee. I like to think it`s some act of defiance against my becoming an adult.
I`ve done this walk to the village with my dad dozens of times as I was growing up, but this time was different. The months leading up to the walk, I had this feeling like we were becoming closer than we had been in a long time. Its one of those beautiful things about a father-son relationship to watch the shift in the relationship become less parental-focused to one that feels like a good friend and mentor.
I realized quite a while ago that I was similar to my father in more ways then I would have liked to admit. I could see myself becoming him, but I was focusing on the qualities that frustrated me, rather then the many qualities that he possed that makes him the great man that he is. For whatever reason, I recently felt myself beginning to appreciate his efforts to be a part of my life as I knew there was so much that I could learn about the man that I am bound to become from who he is and was.
After the more standard conversation segments we found ourselves settling in at Delaney´s. I started asking him about how his relationship was with my mom. This was triggered by a moving speech given by an older couple that I witnessed while attending UBC convocation a few weeks back. The couple spoke at length about finding creative ways at the different points in their lives to grow in their love. My dad dove into the question with an honesty I don´t in most people. I´m not sure if it was the months of us startring to feel closer to each other, or it was just one of those off the cuff situations, or if he´d been waiting to answer all along and all I needed to do was ask.
The conversation continued. I began asking him all kinds of obscure questions about his life. I knew a good chunk of his story, which I will not share on here...after all, it´s his story, but he filled in all the parts that matter. The important details about how it impacted his life. He talked about the different stages: growing up, his youth, traveling the world, marriage, kids, career. As he went on, he let me interject with more in depth questions about why he was making decisions, what he was feeling. I got the full story with very limited edits and the information was invigorating. It really let me see him in a raw state that was refreshing and shed a lot of light on who he his, who I am and who I´m ultimately going to become. I´m not suggesting that I´m pre-determined to become my father, but the similarities in our strengths and weaknesses give me enough to trust that our paths are going to me similar. Different...but similar.
I´ve been away (with the exception of Christmas) for 6 months, and I am able to reflect on this conversation very fondly. It feels like the perfect way to have left our relationship and only gets me excited for where we will be able to take it upon my return.
Now to you – the person who was interested enough in this story to make it this far.
Have you asked your father or mother for their story?
I mean the whole thing. The funny bits, the sad bits. Their shinning moments and low points that taught them about their place in the world. If you have yet to have a conversation, or series of conversations like this, I encourage you to take a chance and ask. Maybe your relationship isn´t that close, and asking those types of questions will seem forced and uncomfortable. No excuse. Take the time to build your relationship to a point where it´s less uncomfortable. When you get beyond this conversation, you will see how it will change how you see them and undoubtebly how they see you.
If its not to much to ask – I´d like you to post a comment and let me (and others) know how it went when you summon the courage to ask your parents for their story. If not – send me an email or shoot a message to my facebook inbox. I think its a fascinating opportunity that can significantly improve how you understand your parents and oddly enough... yourself.
How much time do you have left to connect with them?
Reallly. How much?
All the best and lots of love from Brazil.
- Conor
PS – Mom. I´m excited to get the whole story from you when I get back.
I`ve done this walk to the village with my dad dozens of times as I was growing up, but this time was different. The months leading up to the walk, I had this feeling like we were becoming closer than we had been in a long time. Its one of those beautiful things about a father-son relationship to watch the shift in the relationship become less parental-focused to one that feels like a good friend and mentor.
I realized quite a while ago that I was similar to my father in more ways then I would have liked to admit. I could see myself becoming him, but I was focusing on the qualities that frustrated me, rather then the many qualities that he possed that makes him the great man that he is. For whatever reason, I recently felt myself beginning to appreciate his efforts to be a part of my life as I knew there was so much that I could learn about the man that I am bound to become from who he is and was.
After the more standard conversation segments we found ourselves settling in at Delaney´s. I started asking him about how his relationship was with my mom. This was triggered by a moving speech given by an older couple that I witnessed while attending UBC convocation a few weeks back. The couple spoke at length about finding creative ways at the different points in their lives to grow in their love. My dad dove into the question with an honesty I don´t in most people. I´m not sure if it was the months of us startring to feel closer to each other, or it was just one of those off the cuff situations, or if he´d been waiting to answer all along and all I needed to do was ask.
The conversation continued. I began asking him all kinds of obscure questions about his life. I knew a good chunk of his story, which I will not share on here...after all, it´s his story, but he filled in all the parts that matter. The important details about how it impacted his life. He talked about the different stages: growing up, his youth, traveling the world, marriage, kids, career. As he went on, he let me interject with more in depth questions about why he was making decisions, what he was feeling. I got the full story with very limited edits and the information was invigorating. It really let me see him in a raw state that was refreshing and shed a lot of light on who he his, who I am and who I´m ultimately going to become. I´m not suggesting that I´m pre-determined to become my father, but the similarities in our strengths and weaknesses give me enough to trust that our paths are going to me similar. Different...but similar.
I´ve been away (with the exception of Christmas) for 6 months, and I am able to reflect on this conversation very fondly. It feels like the perfect way to have left our relationship and only gets me excited for where we will be able to take it upon my return.
Now to you – the person who was interested enough in this story to make it this far.
Have you asked your father or mother for their story?
I mean the whole thing. The funny bits, the sad bits. Their shinning moments and low points that taught them about their place in the world. If you have yet to have a conversation, or series of conversations like this, I encourage you to take a chance and ask. Maybe your relationship isn´t that close, and asking those types of questions will seem forced and uncomfortable. No excuse. Take the time to build your relationship to a point where it´s less uncomfortable. When you get beyond this conversation, you will see how it will change how you see them and undoubtebly how they see you.
If its not to much to ask – I´d like you to post a comment and let me (and others) know how it went when you summon the courage to ask your parents for their story. If not – send me an email or shoot a message to my facebook inbox. I think its a fascinating opportunity that can significantly improve how you understand your parents and oddly enough... yourself.
How much time do you have left to connect with them?
Reallly. How much?
All the best and lots of love from Brazil.
- Conor
PS – Mom. I´m excited to get the whole story from you when I get back.
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